My wall of protection

I was at a bar last night (no this isn't one of those stories) to support my brother. It was his first show in New York (and after the "musician" before him emptied the bar and almost made me change that whole no alcohol thing) my brother tore up the stage and made the left over attenders very happy. But something I've learned about myself, extensively; is that I am a very closed off person. That is, once I feel someone pulling away from me, lousing their interest (friend or otherwise) I completely pull my emotions back into my heart and begin erecting that wall of protection. Once this wall has begun construction it is really hard to halt, tare down, and forget the whole idea. I'm just so afraid of being rejected that I choose to pull away before I get hurt. No whether or not the other person means to "loose interest" or not, in my little world of I-know-I'm-right it doesn't matter. Once I have that in my head that this person is about to reject me, I decided to give them the cold shoulder.
So that is what I learned last night. And I don't really know to change--or know if I want to.

I Suppose

Sometimes I start to reminisce about the past. I wonder what things would have been like had I made a certain decision: went to this school, finished the year in this state, finally told that boy how much I liked him.

But every time I start to get all nostalgic I just think about the ending of one of my favorite movies, Mansfield Park, where Fanny Price is tying up all the loose ends for the characters and after each character she says, "Things could have turned out differently I suppose....but they didn't."

And I remind myself of that every time I start thinking about the "what-ifs" in life. Things could have turned out very differently for me, but I bet you I wouldn't be who I am today if that were true.

Also recommended for the "what-ifs" category, Sliding Doors. This is a fantastically amazing movie.