Finding Some Alone Time in New York

What a "subway" coaster of a week it has been. I can't explain all the emotions I have gone through, all the emotions I am continuing to feel. Sometimes I feel regret for the comfort of my "former life". Sometimes I feel like I am still a child trying on my mothers dresses and high heels, but I'm not quite ready to go out and grow up. Other times I feel like I'm right where I need to be. I feel like I am an adult. I feel like I am on the right path.

It has been such a confusing time in my life. I have never felt like so many different emotions. And I'm not talking about feeling different daily, I am talking about feeling different every other hour.

I have met some amazing people here so far. I have been wandering around the city meeting people who I know I will only be in their life for a moment. I have also met some people who I will be in their life longer. But in each moment I meet a new person I feel like I am a little closer to who I am about to become.


I sat in Cafe Lalo the other day. I felt a little silly writing post cards and sipping an iced latte, munching on Rocky Road mud pie. I was sitting alone, next to the street, watching people pass by, listening to the young girls chatting indifferently to each other, watching the servers stand around waiting for something to happen. And I realized that I was like those servers. I was standing around waiting for life to begin. But I finally realized I was tired of waiting and I made life begin.

I think about all the people who I love who I left back home. My sister, my best friend, "the boy," my mentor. Sometimes I feel guilty that I left these people. I almost want to get on the next plane home and give up. I want back that comfort of knowing where I was, who I was, every little detail. But I can't do that. I can't because during all my alone time I have realized that I am finally ready to begin my adulthood. I am doing something for me.

Well enough of those "I" statements. I just had to get that out there. So thanks for reading.