Not with the fire in me now.

TAPE: --gooseberries, she said. I said again I thought it was hopeless and no good going on and she agreed, without opening her eyes. [Pause.] I asked her to look at me and after a few moments--[Pause.]--after a few moments she did, but the eyes just list, because of the glare. I bent over to get them in the shadow and they opened. [Pause. Low.] Let me in. [Pause] We drifted in among the flags and stuck. The way they went down, sighing, before the stem! [Pause.] I lay down across her with my face in her breasts and my hand on her. We lay there without moving. But under us all moved, and moved us, gently, up and down, and from side to side.
[Pause. Krapp's lips move. No sound.]
Past midnight. Never knew such silence. The earth might be uninhabited.
[Pause.]
Here I end this reel. Box--[Pause.]--three, spool--[Pause.]--five. [Pause.] Perhaps my best years are gone. When there was a chance of happiness. But I wouldn't want them back. Not with the fire in me now. No, I wouldn't want them back.
[Krapp motionless staring before him. The tape runs on in silence.]
CURTAIN

Krapp's Last Tape
By Samuel Beckett


I think this kind of speaks for itself.

The most important things work out rather beautifully.

"For the faithful, the patient, the hermetically pure, all the important things in this world — not life and death, perhaps, which are merely words, but the important things — work out rather beautifully."
- J.D. Salinger

I'm trying really hard not to be to much of a downer. A friend of mine had a stroke on Sunday night, at 28, and was declared brain dead yesterday. He wrote me a letter and I never responded, due to my selfishness of focusing on my extremely busy life. Sometimes in life we lose contact with people we care about and become insular. It's so easy to do living in The City where every second can be spent doing something with someone. We cancel plans here and there, forget to call, talk of meeting up but never do. It's so easy. So I figured now was as good a time as ever to finally get back to him.

Sorry it took so long, R. Hope this helps:

From R:

February 2, 2011
Hey Liz,

thanks for taking a moment to read and digest. It's much appreciated.

i wrote a friend:

I'm in the place that's been my home for 27 years... and i'm lost.

so she responded with:

I am beginning to think being lost is just part of it, who ever thinks they are found is naive. What would being found look like? Definitely not like me.

i responded:

life is a journey, and in every journey we're always looking for something. At each stage we find what we're looking for, we appreciate it for what it is, then we begin the next trek. If within this journey we find that we're lost, then we either continue seeking for what we've been looking for, or we fool ourselves into believing that what we've found is the answer or that we'll never find what we were looking for in the first place. I believe if we accept the last two options, the all we've found is complacency. At this point in my life, there are certain things I want to find, and find myself in. Once I'm found within those things, I can appreciate them and find myself in something else at the next step. But if I'm perpetually lost and I've accepted being lost as my way of being, what motivates me to continue searching?


Dear R,
Never stop searching for your way. It's interesting that at different points in life we are so sure of how things will progress and how they will turn out. When we're little we have this sense that we know exactly how life will turn out. "I'm going to be a doctor!" "A pilot!" "I'll be President!!" No one ever tells us we can't accomplish everything we want. It's only when we grow up and exist in this imperfect and damaged world that we trick ourselves into thinking that we can't accomplish absolutely everything that we want to. The road gets thick with prickly bushes sometimes and it can be hard to find our way back to our road, but it's still there. It just means we have to cut some bushes down. Walk on, R. Never stop searching for your way in life. Time is precious and life is way to short.

I'll see you soon,
Elizabeth

Coldplay-Sparks

Kind of the perfect song for a rainy day such as this.

Do you see me?

"Quite so," he answered, lighting a cigarette, and throwing himself down into an armchair. "You see, but you do not observe. The distinction is clear. For example, you have frequently seen the steps which lead up from the hall to this room."
"Frequently."
"How often?"
"Well, some hundreds of times."
"Then how many are there?"
"How many? I don't know."
"Quite so! You have not observed. And yet you have seen. That is just my point. Now, I know there are seventeen steps, because I have both seen and observed..."

Recently after reading A.C. Doyle's "Scandal in Bohemia" I realized that I'm extremely unaware of what's going on around me. Living in The City that never sleeps is stimulating to all the senses, but can also leave you dull.

It's nice to have little reminders telling you to keep your eyes, and interestingly enough, your heart, open and aware.

So, world, keep your head up, your eyes open, and your heart ready. You don't want to miss something amazing.

I loved thee with a love I seemed to lose

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
-Elizabeth Barrett Browning

I'm not a mushy person. In fact I don't see myself as someone who is traditionally romantic. But something has happened to me recently. I guess you could say that I've become more in-tuned with my sensitive side. We read the above poem in my British Literature class today and something absolutely out of the ordinary happened: I cried.
I don't cry in public very often, if ever. And I'm known for staying away from relationships and commitment. And at every turn I debate against this idealized, romantic, unfounded notion of "love". I don't believe in "love" as associated with the fairy tales and prince charming's most of us have grown up with. But what I realized in class, while reading Browning's words to the man who would become her husband, I understood a little better what this idea of "love" was.
Browning speaks of love as something that is limitless. It is the deepest, widest, highest love that anyone can fathom. And that got me to thinking about what a limitless love means. And I think I'm slightly closer to understanding what the capacity of actual love means and what that does to the heart.

The Facade of an Existential Crisis?

“Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behaviour. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them—if you want to. Just as some day, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry." J.D. Salinger

I titled this post with a question mark because the entire basis of my personal existential crisis is shaky. At this point in life I'm not really sure if there is such a thing as an existential crisis.

Sometimes I think that growing up in love with an author, and subsequently his work, may have hindered me from experiencing life genuinely. I have been in love with Salinger for most of my life. Sometimes I wonder that if by living in The City, and reading his work over and over again, I'm not somehow forced into a false sense of existentialism and the constant questioning of "what is life?". Were I not saturated in Seymour Glass' life and family, and had I not felt myself going through a nervous breakdown like Holden, would I still step back from my life and question the "why" of the Universe? I suppose it will have to be one of those chicken and egg dilemmas.

As for now, I will sit here looking out on The City, on 23rd Street and Lexington, 13 floors above the rainy streets, and think about Salinger and The City and Life. And I'll wait for spring to come and bring a little color to my gray scale world.

I love it when we're cruising together.

"Baby let's cruise, away from here
Don't be confused, the way is clear
& if you want it you got it forever
This is not a one night stand, baby, yeah"


I took a trip to (what my city mind calls) the country this past weekend and I learned something very important, I belong in the city. I had been operating under the impression that I belonged in the city for awhile but last weekend proved it. To me, the city signifies a mindset that we live in a united world, not a state, or a town.
In The City, I am bombarded with pictures of the distraction in Japan and the political unrest in Libya. I hear discussions about the economic state of our world and the devastation in war torn countries. But while I was in the suburbs I could feel the disconnection from the world. Soccer mom cars, chain restaurants, big houses.
I'm not saying that living outside of a large city is a bad thing, I'm saying that for me to feel connected to the world, I need to be near the city. I can see myself being easily lost in the comfort and familiarity of people and things around me. I'm more afraid of being complacent than almost anything in my life. Living in a place where I see people from all over the world on a daily basis reminds me that I'm not the only culture living in the world. It clarifies the idea of one race, the human race.

So while I will probably take many weekends away to "get away from it all", I'll always find myself coming back to The City I love. The City that reminds me how precious life is, how fleeting and temporary it all can be. A City that challenges me and that pisses me off, that makes me angry and that also enlightens me, and romances me, and reminds me of how lucky I am to be alive.

Wow. Thanks suburbia for the epiphany.

Another Year's Over, A New One's Just Begun

It's New Years Eve and Im feeling pretty wonderful. I've been chosen to work a private party at my job. In case you aren't familiar, I work at a restaurant in the heart of times square- and we happen to have the perfect view of the ball drop.

So, here I am, looking down at thousands of people, cozy and comfortable, and rockin out. The night goes by in waves, there are so many happy people, lots of dancing, and nothing but laughing and smiling. We are all ecstatic.

The time has come, the last few minutes of 2010 (good riddance), most of our guests have gone outside to our private pen to watch the ball drop first hand, so its mostly me and my coworkers upstairs. And then one of the most magical New York moments happens, the dj is playing my song. I grab my dear friend and we begin dancing. He twirls me around and we sing the familiar lyrics to each other, our other coworkers doing the same. And I get a little teary eyed and I think about this past year and all the good and bad and everything I've ben through and the insane amount of awful things I've put off thinking about and the beautiful moments of love I've experienced, and its almost a new year, a new decade. And then we all join in and sing, "If you can make it here, you'll make it anywhere, New York, New York."

And then the countdown to a new year begins.

The End Is Near

Lately I've had this feeling that the world is going to end, or could end, at any moment. And I guess in some way that's always possible. Life is so temporary. And we are such fragile creatures.

It's almost 2011. I can hardly believe it. I knew last year that 2010 was going to be intense. I had made the decision to go back to school. And here I am, one semester down. I'm exhausted, my brain is numb, I've hardly seen my friends. But somehow that's ok. Because I made it. I got through. I'm not who I was last year at all, but I know thats a good thing. It means I'm not stagnant. Ive taken risks and grown up and learned about myself through the eyes of people I never would have known otherwise. This year has simultaneously been the worst and best year of my life.

I'm kind of terrified of next year, but hopeful. Is that even possible?

Broadway Review: Next to Normal

I wanted to wait to see the full original cast before I did my review but my absurdly busy past few weeks have kept me from being able to partake in this again. But rest assured, I will see this show again.

My musical buddy from California has now become my roommate (YAY!!) so I'm hoping my excursions onto Broadway will be more frequent.

I can't believe my luck. I feel like Broadway just can't disappoint me (or perhaps it's my roommate and her good taste in theater). I was so astonishingly moved by this show. I knew it was going to be good, it racked up quite a reputation. I had no idea that I would not only enjoy the show but that I'd feel emotionally connected to every actor on stage. Shamelessly I cried through the entire production but it wasn't until Alice Ripley looked me square in the eyes that I erupted like a snotting volcano. No wonder she has major cred, she lives up to the hype. Ripley was Diana. I'm in love with this woman's performance!

Sadly for me the actors who play the father (Robert Spencer as Dan) and brother (Aaron Tveit as Gabe, my new lover) were not at the show. But luckily for me their understudies Michael Berry and Timothy Young (respectively) were brilliant. Young especially controlled the stage, almost effortlessly as if he were not an understudy. But it wasn't until I heard Young and Berry's father / son duet that I really fell in love. Berry was stiff at times but he still did an amazing job.

(One of my favorite parts!!)

The entire cast (Jennifer Damiano as Natalie, Adam Chanler-Berat as Henry, and the luscious Louis Hobson as Dr. Maddan / Dr. Fine) portrayed their characters extremely well. I really can't say enough how much I enjoyed this show. The music was haunting, the lyrics deep and so meaningful (I sobbed through "Superboy and the Invisible Girl). The on stage band didn't miss a beat. I mean really, what more could you want out of a show?

To see or not to see?

Missing this would be a travesty.

Play Review: Departure Lounge

As I was leaving Twelfth Night I was chatting with some friends about the next play on my list, Departure Lounge with Jonathan B. Wright, of Spring Awakening fame. A man looked up from his blackberry at me as I gushed about my love of Johnny B Wright and all the Spring Awakening kids. He agrees, they are great. So I, thinking he wants to chat and is lonely, say, "I just love that show. My favorite." And he says, "Thank you." It dons on me. I've seen this guy before. It's Steven Sater!! The writer of Spring Awakening!!! Ok I just had to share that with you before I actually get on to my review.


Here's a nice little photo of him.


























I was pretty excited to see Jonathan B Wright in another musical. It looked like it was going to be a good time either way. I'm a huge admirer of the entire cast of Spring Awakening and try to support them when I can.



























The opening to this play I thought, oh well here's a silly musical about a bunch of guys. Oh well. But what I ended up getting was so much more. The entire cast was amazing! Nick Blaemire, Doug Kreeger, Kathleen Monteleone and Alex Tonetta were each talented actors and singers. The music was a blast, the story line engaging (thank you Christopher Gattelli), and the script was full of emotion and friendship, and beauty (thank you Dougal Irvine). Really, this was an amazing play.


There is one scene between Alex Tonetta and Jonathan B. Wright where they are singing a duet about the other. Jonathan is singing about how much he loves Alex, and Alex is singing about how much he hates Jonathan. It's so beautiful! I was tearing up a bit. The emotional depth of that song was by far the best part of the show.






























I'm so lucky that I was able to attend this nice little world of four boys on their way to becoming men. Well done everyone, well done!

Play Review The Bacchae

Be still my heart. Jonathan Groff in Central Park playing Dionysus. Singing. In a leather jacket. For free?? This is too good to be true.

Here, enjoy:


























And not to deprive you of the other yummy lead, here is Anthony Mackie:

















Ok, I'm sorry. Enough with the eye candy. Let's get into the thick of it. Euripides' The Bacchae is a dark and twisted tale of a Greek God with no true understanding of humanity. He desires worship and will stop at nothing to prove his point. He doesn't care if you die or suffer, you will bow to him. It's an interesting story. Jonathan Groff was perfect in his role and wasn't afraid to embrace the character. His psycho laughing and sassy banter with Anthony Mackie's Pentheus was perfect. Anthony Mackie's was able to go from strong and firm, manly; to pretty and feminine. Mind you this isn't a few days apart, he transformed himself emotionally (and physically) in minutes. Pretty amazing if you ask me. The chorus was good at times, but was too long and kept repeating plot lines. By the middle of the show I was ready for Dionysus to strike them down with thunder already. This was definitely a play of monologues, something that you need a very strong supporting cast to pull of, which Shakespeare in the Park definitely had. I realllllly enjoyed this show. Even coupled with an unbearably hot day and the obnoxious photographers sneaking a peak, flashing their light bulbs as we were trying to enjoy the show I still enjoyed myself.

I almost don't want to say this but...

Hey, Christopher Nolan, you looking for someone to at least do Heath Ledger's Joker justice? Well, no need to worry, I've found him. Look no further than Jonathan Groff. He will never be Heath's joker, but he'll do the part justice.


To see or not to see?
Hurry before it's too late! Last show is August 30th. Don't worry too much about the line. I got tickets on Sunday after noon after waiting for only 2 hours. There were still tickets left after all of us got ours.

Play Review: Twelfth Night

I'm about to say something I've said many times that has gotten me in a lot of trouble: I don't care for Shakespeare. There I said it, now leave me alone.








With the above statement made let me tell you that though I may not think the world of Shakespeare The Public's production of Twelfth Night was one of the best plays I have ever seen.

I waited in line from midnight till one in the afternoon to get my tickets for the final performance of Twelfth Night starring Anne Hathaway as Viola, Audra McDonald as Olivia, Jay O. Sanders as Sir Toby Belch, David Pittu as Feste, and Julie White as Maria.































The Public's prduction of Twelfth Night was a bit different from the ones I've seen. I'm not sure if they varied a bit from the script but it seemed to be much more humorous than the other productions I've watched. Then again, perhaps I've just never seen Twelfth Night done properly. Anne Hathaway was amazing! I've always loved her but seeing her on stage was truly a treat, proof that she has talent. Audra McDonald (a noted stage actress as well as Niaomi in Private Practice) blew my mind! She was hilarious. Her body language enhanced her already top notch acting. But my favorite was the David Pittu. He was conniving, silly, witty, and above all sang sooooo beautifully.

Unique to this specific show was some amazing music, and singing! I had no idea Anne Hathaway could sing, and man did she do a great job. I hear rumors they are going to record an album with the music from this play soon. And if they do believe me, I will be listening to it on repeat.

All in all, getting stuck in a downpour for an hour, sitting along 86th and Central Park West all night, shuffling into the park at 6am, being completely sleep deprived (I only took a 20 minute nap), I would do this again, ten times, just to experience those few hours under the stars listening in on and experiencing a beautifully done play. Oh yeah, and the security guard being completely gorgeous and nice didn't hurt either...





To see or not to see?
Sadly, Sunday was the last showing. Otherwise I'm sure if you haven't seen this play I would implore you to wait in line right this moment.


*** I've had less than eight hours of sleep this entire weekend, so please forgive my less than perfect review. ***

Movie Review: Public Enemies

Jonny Depp. Bank robbers. Christian Bale. Billy Crudup. Tommy guns. LUCAS (Rory Cochrane)!! (from Empire Records, in case you some how slept through the 90s).

This is a movie to make the most skeptical critic happy. It had the big Hollywood budget, gang violence to rival The Godfather, and a script to love (with a few cheesy one liners, yes, but hello, this was the 30s). I was on the edge of my seat rooting for the suave and charming John Dillinger the whole way through (especially when he is so gentleman-like). Johnny Depp did Dillinger proud. I wasn't as impressed with the films cinematography and didn't enjoy the p.o.v. switches and the use of different styles of camera work. It did, however, enhance my viewing pleasure in some areas. In one scene the camera work is shaky and looks like a handheld is being used. It feels a little low budget but it made me feel like I was there, like it was real.

I have to give props to all the surprising pop ups including the beautiful Channing Tatum, Emillie De Ravin (you know her from Lost, I love her from Roswell), and Leelee Sobieski (so cute!). Also, I was beyond happy to see Giovanni Ribisi! He wasn't on screen much, but any time I saw that face of his I got excited. He played his quiet character very well.













To see or not to see?
Oh yes, to see. On the big screen, don't wait.

Movie Review: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Dear Michael Bay,
Don't worry this wasn't completely your fault. With a crap script (thanks in equal parts I'm sure, to Ehren Kruger, Alex Kurtzman, and Roberto Orci) what more could you have done. I'm sure with credits like The Island and Bad Boys (1 and 2) you are well qualified for a movie like this (poorly written scripts and a lot of things blowing up). But reallllly Michael. Really? Fart humor? Crass robots? Really? That kind of writing I expect for a made-for-tv-1980s-movie. NOT for a huge Hollywood blockbuster. You should have insisted that a better script be written. The fans of Transformers deserve more. I deserve more. I expect more. With the success of 2007's first Transformers movie you are expected to give us something bigger and better, not to take ten steps back and leave us with something that smells an awful lot like that potty humor.

I'm very disappointed, Michael, very disappointed indeed.























P.S. Am I the ONLY person who finds Megan Fox ordinary? Honestly, I'm all about the girl power and for building each other up, but what is the deal with Megan Fox? That voice of hers, that I'm-being-cute-talking-to-a-robot-like-it's-a-puppy-voice. It is the equivalent of nails on a chalk board. Please someone explain to me the draw of Megan Fox (other than her body, please!!).

P.S.S. I still stand by Shia. I will always love him.


To see or not to see?
What does it matter. You'll see it either way.

Movie Review: My Sister's Keeper

Before I review the film I just have a quick note. Though I would have LOVED to see the Fanning sisters play opposite each other (and I honestly believe they would have done an amazing job), I was beyond giddy when I found out that Abagail Breslin was slated to play Anna (the younger sister). Alright then, carry on.





From the beginning I thought this movie was doomed to fail. Cameron Diaz as Sara? Let me get this straight. Cameron is going to play the mother two teenaged children? Just, no. When I heard they were going to make the sisters, Anna and Kate, younger for Cameron I was even more upset. They were playing with fire. They were taking an amazing story and changing the dynamic. BUT-I have to give Diaz props. I was blown away by her abilities. Still beautiful without make-up, she was somehow believable as a tired lawyer-turned-caretaker. Her emotional range was not only surprising but refreshing. I don't know about you but I think the sweet, girly, ditz has been played out by Diaz and I'm grateful that she can stick around doing dramas. She was incredible. Happily, she wasn't even the best part of the movie. Don't mistake me here, I think Abigail Breslin is a very talented young actress and is going to do great things but she is no where near the talent of Sofia Vassilieva. Vassilieva was amazing. I really don't know how else to put it. I was taken aback by her control on screen, her range of emotion, and her quiet beauty. To me, Vassilieva stole the show in an already well acted piece.

I'd like to give a shout out to Jason Patric (as the father), Evan Ellingson (as the brother), and Joan Cusack (as the judge). Well done, supporting cast, well done. I'd like to say shame on you Alac Baldwin for being intolerable and annoying.







Though the movie was amazing, it was not the book. The book far surpassed the movie in story line (yes they were different) and emotional depth. Whether you see the movie or the book first you will find that one will not ruin the other. They differ enough that you can enjoy them both without feeling like you already know what's going on.

To see or not to see?
See, but you can wait to rent it. Read the book first.

To read or not to read?
Read. Go on, you know you want to.

Movie Review: Dedication

I can't help it. I have this crazy love for Mandy Moore. I thought this movie was very well done. I didn't LOVE it love it. But I truly enjoyed it. Billy Crudup did a wonderful job and played the characters neurosis very well. I think it's difficult to play a character who is so completely mad and awfully mean but Crudup did an amazing job of bringing humanity to his character. We easily could have hated Henry Roth. And many times I found myself doing so. But something about the way Crudup played him made me forgive him (especially since Moore's Lucy Reilly could). Mandy Moore did an excellent job (I know, I'm biased) and I find that she really shines on screen. All in all I thought this was a strong directorial debut for Justin Theroux (another actor!). I think when a director is also an actor they can bring a strong asset to their films. And Theroux defiantly has done so.

To see or not to see.
To see.

Movie Review: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Am I the only person who was unimpressed with this film? It had an over the top budget, a slew of amazing actors, and yet there I sat, bored. I had hoped that the story would live up to the hype. Hoped but didn't think it could be pulled off by a bunch of big Hollywood people. The more money that goes into a film, the more hands that go into the cookie jar (case in point, the Newest Indiana Jones). When Brad Pitt looked like an old man (but was really a young man) he played an old man, not a young man in an old man's body (did that make any sense?). Cate Blanchett was beautiful, but she laked emotional presense onscreen. The acting was flat, aside from the amazing Taraji P. Henson.

The cinimatography was amazing. It was a visually beautiful film, but after all is said and done a flawless script and a few good actors are all a talented director really needs to pull off a moving film (Tom McCarthy anyone?).

To see or not to see?
Meh. Do what you want.

A Little Catch Up

It's been about five months since I've logged into my blogspot account. I've been trying to find my creative outlet in other areas, but bottom line, I really enjoy my little blogspot world. I watch entirely too many movies to give proper reviews to them all but my laptop recently died (blue screen of death) so any ability to enjoy a movie will have to be put on hold. I'm going to try to play catch up with the movie reviews as much as I can. So prepare to be overwhelmed with my cynical reviews.

You asked for it Toni, so here it goes.

Movie Review: The Visitor

So I saw this movie months ago and am just now getting to the review. Please forgive my absence. It's been a long few months. Onward:











As from my previous post I'm a new admirer of Tom McCarthy's. I think I made it pretty obvious that I respect and am awed by him as a director. This did not end with The Visitor. I was blown away by this film. McCarthy once again caught an honest and beautiful portrayal of humans in every day circumstances. And again, his casting was flawless. I think his experience as an actor has made him such a good director and screenplay writer. It's like having a professional wine taster pick out your glass of wine. You know that it's going to be thought out and considered and that you are going to drink one of the best glasses of wine you've ever had.



































I find it interesting that I've seen Richard Jenkins in a ton of movies over the past 20 years yet he's never really stuck out to me. But playing a man who is basically invisible and alone he shinned brighter than I've ever seen him. Not only did Jenkins completely surprise me with the quiet emotion he portrayed but Haaz Sleiman was pure gold on the screen. He was Tarek. Not to be overshadowed by two amazing male leads, the supporting roles played by Hiam Abbass (Tarek's mother) and Danai Gurira (Tarek's wife) only enhanced the cohesive bond of this film. I felt like I was invading someones private life by watching this movie. I have to say it: Tom McCarthy is my favorite director. I'm so sorry Baz Luhrmann.


To see or not to see?
Yes. Go. Enjoy it. Be moved.